I'm sorry
by Queen-of-Gondor
Summary: Spike dies to save Buffy's life. How will she deal? Please read and review! **Complete**
1. Dreams

A/N: As I promised, this story isn't about Dawn and Spike, it's finally something different! I hope you like it!  
  
The first chapter is a little short but the whole story is longer than my other two Buffy stories, there will be 4 chapters.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters still belong to Joss Whedon )-: I would be happy if they were mine though (-:  
  
Chapter 1 - Dreams  
  
Buffy couldn't believe it when he suddenly moved forwards to protect her with his own body. The arrow that was meant for her hit him directly in the chest. She had been killing vampires for years and she knew that he wouldn't be able to survive. There was no chance, no chance at all.  
She didn't care about the demon anymore, even though he still held his bow. Xander and Willow would take care of that. His servants were dead and the demon himself was hurt so it shouldn't be too hard.  
The dark cavern in which they had been fighting for nearly an hour just didn't exist anymore, it didn't matter where she was.   
All that mattered to her now was that Spike was lying before his feet, dying.  
Buffy fell to her knees, gently took him in her arms and held him.  
There wasn't anything she could do.  
He didn't breath but she knew that it didn't mean anything. A vampire doesn't need to breath to stay alive, they only did it out of a habit. Or to smoke, like Spike.  
The only thing that told her that he probably wouldn't wake up anymore was the fact that the thick, black arrow had hit his heart. There was no doubt, she knew well enough where it was to tell that it hadn't been missed. He didn't have longer than a few minutes left.  
But in one thing he proved her wrong.  
Even though it clearly took him much effort he opened his eyes and after a few seconds he managed to focus on her face.  
"Buffy." His voice was so quiet that it was very hard to understand him. And it was raw, filled with pain. "Are you ok?"  
She only nodded, unable to say a word.  
A tiny smile was on his lips now. "That's good." He paused a moment and swallowed hard before he continued. "Buffy, I love you."  
The blond vampire looked up to her with pleading eyes, as if he wanted her to resure him.  
She so much wanted to tell him that she loved him, too. Of course it wasn't true but it was his very last moment on this earth and after all he had done in the past, and considering that he was a vampire, he would probably go to hell. Didn't she owe him one last moment of happiness?   
Oh yes, she did, he had saved her life after all. At least she should tell him how grateful she was.   
But she just couldn't bring herself to speak, she tried but it was in vain. Even though she opened her mouth to say something there was no sound. She couldn't even cry.  
All she did was staring down at him, watching a single tear escaping his eyes.  
And then - nothing.  
No more intense blue eyes looking at her, no deep rich voice to mock her, no one to get on her nerves.  
Only ashes and dust.  
Finally tears were running freely, without knowin it she had begun to cry, she didn't know how long it took her after he died. The only thing she knew was that she couldn't see it anymore.  
He would never know that she had actually cared for him, he had died thinking that she felt nothing for him at all.  
Now that Spike was gone, never to return, she realized that it was too late to tell him all the things he had so needed to know.   
And that made her cry even more.  
  
**********  
  
Buffy woke up with tears running down her face, just like the last night.  
Tears of sadness - and tears of guilt.  
  
To be continued  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! You would make me very happy (-: 


	2. Aftermath

A/N: Thanks for the good reviews! I hope you like this chapter, too!   
  
Wicked-Wytch: Sorry, but Spike won't come back in this story. But for those who would like to see him back I might write a sequel. Do you want me to?  
  
Disclaimer: Look at chapter 1 (-;  
  
Chapter 2 - Aftermath  
  
Willow woke up next to Tara. She smiled to herself while she watched her sleeping. To her she looked so beautiful then.   
Usually she could spend hours doing that but now she sighed after a few minutes and laid back on her pillow.   
Of course Tara had heared her and woke up. She yawned, sat up and looked at her girl-friend. "What's wrong, Will?"  
"Nothing, sweety."  
"What is wrong?", Tara insisted.  
Willow rolled her eyes. Would she never be able to hide anything from her? She didn't need to ask for she knew the answer. "I'm worried about Buffy, she seemed so sad during the last two days. I think she blames herself for Spike's death."  
"Well, he gave his life for her. Of course it's not her fault, but I think I would feel bad, too. She will get over it, I'm sure."   
Then she leaned down and kissed Willow's lips.  
The red haired wicca smiled a little and suddenly she seemed almost emberassed. "Tara?"  
"Yes?"  
"Don't you miss him, too? I ... I never thought I'd say that but I somehow got used to him. It didn't even disturb me anymore when he called me 'Red'.  
"I think I know what you mean. Probably we will all miss him."  
"You really think Xander would miss Spike?" Willow raised an eyebrow.  
"Sure, he has nobody to quarrel with now."  
"I doubt it anyway."  
  
*********  
  
Xander shook his head. What kind of idiot was calling him so early in the morning?  
Wearily he stood up and lifted the receiver. "Xander Harris."  
"Xander, I only wanted to tell you that I'm coming home today. I should be in Sunnydale at 8 o'clock in the evening."  
"Giles?"  
"Yes, the council didn't allow me to stay away from my slayer any longer and I think that Buffy should be better by now?"  
"If you mean her death experience, yes."  
"But..."  
"But Spike is dead and I fear she feels responsible." He said it as if he didn't care about it at all but that only showed that he could be a good actor if he wanted to. If he had been honest he had told Giles that he was missing the vampire, too. Maybe only because there was nobody to call him "whelp" anymore. The night before, when they had been hunting vampires, he had almost expected Spike to show up and get on their nerves. And somehow he had hoped that he would.  
But of course he didn't show up, he would never show up again.  
There was a moment of silence. "How did that happen?", the watcher finally asked.  
"There was a demon and his servants and they tried to destroy Sunnydale. We were able to kill all the servants and their master was hurt, too. But he still had his bow and he shot at Buffy..." He stopped.  
"You mean he protected her?"  
"Yes, the arrow hit his heart. I guess he wasn't as bad as we thought."  
"No, it seems that he wasn't." After a moment of silence the watcher continued. "Will you pick me up from the airport?"  
"Sure. 8 o'clock, right?  
"Yes, bye Xander."  
"Bye."  
  
**********  
  
After work Xander knocked on Buffy's door.  
Willow opened and smiled a little. "Hi."  
"Hi, how's Buffy?"  
"She's watching TV all the time. I don't think she's any better. Come in."  
"No, I have to go to the airport. Giles will be there in an hour."  
"Really?"  
"Yes, he called me in the morning. He said the council didn't let him stay in England because the slayer needs her watcher. But I think he just missed us."  
"That's great!" Willow smiled at him brightly. "Maybe he can help Buffy"   
"Yeah, come on. We'll pick him up and surprise her."  
"Ok. Buffy?", she called.  
"What is it?"  
"I'll help Xander with something. We'll be back soon."  
"Ok."  
  
**********  
  
Buffy didn't care where their friends were going. She didn't want to do anything except for staring at the TV and trying to forget everything around her. She didn't care at all what exactly she was watching.  
They had been gone for about half an hour now and suddenly Buffy remembered something she had tried to forget for two days.  
Spike's ashes.   
She had to go back to the cavern! He deserved a proper grave.   
As fast as she could she ran up the stairs, changed, searched for something in which she could carry the ashes and drove to the place Spike had died two nights ago.  
  
**********  
  
She stopped the car and walked towards the cave. It was absolutly dark inside and she had to use a flashlight.  
Buffy wanted to do something she had never done before - she wanted to run away and just forget about everything.  
Tears were forming in her eyes again as she went deeper into the darkness. Torches had been burning everywhere while the demon and his servants had been living here but now there was nothing left of this. Only dark walls and bats hanging down the stones, peacefully asleep.  
Finally she came to the place where everything had happened. Of course everything that was left of Spike was still there. No wind could come so deep inside the cavern.  
She couldn't hold back the tears anymore when she collected the ashes and took it into the vase she had brought. Then she closed it carefully and looked at it.  
No, it wasn't Spike in there!   
That was impossible!  
It couldn't be!   
She only had to go to his crypt to see him.   
But she knew it wasn't true and she knew that it was useless to go to his crypt. And she felt like she would never be able to go there again.  
  
**********  
  
Willow flew into Giles' arms and embraced him tightly. "It's so good that you're back!"  
The watcher smiled. "It's also good to see you two."   
Xander took the baggage and they got to the car and drove towards Buffy's house.  
"How's Buffy?", Giles asked after a few minutes of driving.   
"Not much better. I think she blames herself for Spike's death", Willow said.  
"Does she still slay vampires and demons?"  
"Yes, the only things she's doing is killing vampires and watching TV."  
"And Dawn? Wasn't she very close to him as well?"  
This time Xander answered. "She doesn't know yet. She's still with her father."  
"Oh yes. She told me that she would visit him for two weeks during the holidays. When will she come back?"  
"In three days."  
They didn't speak anymore until they reached home.  
When they entered the house they called Buffy's name but got no reaction.  
After they had searched for her to be sure that she was not home they met in the living room.   
"Where can she be?", Xander asked.  
"Maybe she's out on patrol?", Willow suggested.  
"No, it's not dark enough yet", Giles said. "Maybe she's..."  
Suddenly the door opened and Buffy came in. She held a vase in her hands and first she didn't even notice that her friends were there. Carefully she placed the vase on a table and then she finally looked up.   
"Giles!" Obviously she was very surprised to see her watcher.  
"Hello, Buffy!"  
When he walked towards her she embraced him and he felt her shoulders shaking. She was silently crying on his shoulder.  
It took her some time to calm down but then she parted from him, dryed her tears and sat down on the armchair.  
Xander had been staring at the vase all the time. "What's in there?", he finally asked.  
She hesitated as if it was hard for he to talk about it. "It's... Spike's ashes.", she whispered.  
Nobody knew what to say to that and for a few moments there was a uncomfortable silence. They all looked at the vase, not knowing what to do.  
Finally Buffy spoke again, her voice was still very quiet. "I thought he deserves to... to be buried."  
Gently Giles took her hand. "Yes, of course he does."   
  
**********  
  
Two days later.  
About two miles away from Sunnydale they had made a grave.  
Willow and Tara had planted some flowers and Xander had made a stone with a few simple words on it:  
  
Spike (William)  
May your sins be forgiven   
We will never forget you  
RIP  
  
It was small but very pretty the letters were simple and beautiful.  
During the day the grave was made everyone visited it, brought some flowers or just stood there and thought of him.  
Everyone except for Buffy.  
She just sat at home and watched her friends coming and going. Of course the young woman knew where they were going to but she couldn't bring herself to go there, too.   
In the afternoon Willow and Tara came home. "Hi Buffy."  
"Hi!"  
They wanted to go upstairs to change but Buffy called them back. "Hey, please wait a minute."  
"What is it?", Tara asked.  
"You were at his grave, weren't you?"  
"Sure", Willow said and sat down next to her.  
"Is it nice?"  
The red-haired wicca smiled a little. "Oh yes, it's beautiful, I think he would have liked it. It's on a clearing in the wood, you really should see it. The stone is beautiful, Xander made it, and it's very peaceful there. Everyone has brought flowers, even though there a enough flowers on the meadow already. We have planted some on the grave, roses and, carnations and tulips. We can come with you if you don't want to go alone."  
"No, no, it's alright", Buffy said quickly. She really didn't want to go there. It seemed impossible to stand before his grave after all that had happened. She had done him wrong, she had been so cruel sometimes - even in his last minutes of life. No, she couldn't go there, it had been hard enough to collect the ashes. "Today you have been there already. It's not necessary to go again because of me."  
"That's alright. We don't have anything else to do anyway. Right, Tara?"  
"Sure, that would be no problem."  
Buffy shook her head. "Look, I don't want to go there. I cannot."  
"It's alright", Willow said gently. "Take your time."  
"I would like to go there, but I can't. You know how I've treated him." She sobbed once but didn't cry. No, she had cried enough. "He loved me, he truly did. But I have treated him like I hated him. He wasn't with us only because of the chip but I didn't want to believe it and I made him feel like... like a thing, something dead. I thought that he wasn't able to love without a soul, but he loved Dru for 200 years, didn't he? I was such a fool." Now she broke into tears, there was no way to stop it.  
Tara silently walked up the stairs, she felt that the two friends needed some time alone. Willow and Buffy knew each other since High-School, they trusted each other and if anyone would be able to help Buffy it was surely Will.  
The red-haired woman embraced her friend, rocked her a little and stroked her back in comforting circles. "Did you love him?", she asked after a while.  
"No, I wish I had. But I just couldn't return his feelings."  
"That's not your fault, you cannot choose the one you love."  
"No, but I could have treated him differently. He must have felt terrible."  
"He knew you didn't mean it for he never stopped loving you."  
"Willow, we've slept together."  
"You had sex with him without loving him?" Her eyes widened a little.  
"Yes", Buffy answered quietly. "He loved me but I only used him. And he knew it. God, what have I done?" Again the slayer broke into tears and Willow held her. "After you brought me back everything inside me felt so cold. He made me feel, but it was no love. It was only... only sex."  
"I see."  
"Why don't you tell me that I'm a bitch, why don't you tell me how cruel I am?"  
"You're too hard to yourself already and I have no right to judge you. And he didn't judge you either, I know that."  
"How can you know?"  
"He gave his life for you, didn't he?"  
Buffy only nodded.  
  
TBC 


	3. Like a brother

A/N: Ok, don't worry - you convinced me to write a sequel in which Spike returns. But first I will finish this story (-; There will be one more chapter after this one.   
  
Please visit this homepage:   
  
It's a new Buffy and Angel Fanfiction Page!   
  
Enjoy (-:  
  
Chapter 3 - Like a brother  
  
Buffy had been restless the whole day long. In the evenig Dawn would return home from their father and then she had to tell her what had happened to Spike.   
She knew that it would be hard for her younger sister.   
Spike and Dawn had been very close and no matter what the vampire had always pretended, he had loved the girl. He would have done everything for her, Buffy didn't doubt that at all. And Dawn had trusted him like nobody else, maybe this was why Spike had had so much affection for her. She had been the only one who had trusted him completely and without a doubt.  
This was one of the reasons why Buffy felt so bad. She should have trusted him, too, like her sister. And she knew that she would regret that all her life.  
Again the slayer heared the vampire's voice in her head: "Buffy, I love you."   
Why hadn't she believed him? Of course she would never have been able to love him in return but she could have been nicer, more respectful.  
Those thoughts were running through her head over and over again.  
Until the door opened and she knew that Dawn had come home.  
  
**********  
  
"Hi Buffy!" The teenager came running into the living room and embraced her sister. "Missed me?"  
"Sure, we all did."   
Dawn was in a hurry and so she didn't see that something was wrong with her sister. "Can we talk later? I want to go to the cemetery before it's getting dark and all vampires of Sunnydale are gathering there."  
"The cemetery?"  
"Yeah, I promised Spike to visit him as soon as I'm home."  
She turned to go but Buffy called her back immediatly. "Dawn, wait! There's something I have to tell you."  
"What is it?"  
"Please sit down for a moment." When her sister was sitting next to her on the sofa she continued to talk: "Dawnie, you can't visit Spike."  
"Why?"  
"He won't be there."  
"What do you mean? Why shouldn't he? It's still 50 minutes to sunset."  
"I'm sorry, honey, but while you were away something happened. We fought a demon and... this demon tried to shoot me with an arrow and... Spike." She took a deep breath to calm herself. "Spike threw himself before me. Dawnie, he's dead."  
"No." The girl whispered.  
"I'm sorry, Dawn, but it's true."  
"No! You're lying! He's alive!" She yelled at her older sister, stood up and ran out of the house.   
Buffy slowly followed her, she knew where she would be.  
  
**********  
  
Dawn ran as fast as she could.  
She was unable to believe what her older sister had just told her.   
Spike had to be alive! He meant so much to her, even though the others had always told her that he was not to be trusted. But she knew he was, he would never hurt her, never.  
Her legs moved automatically, she didn't notice anything around her until she finally reached the cemetary.   
When she stood before Spike's crypt she hesitated. She had always liked it to come here, but now she was afraid.  
What if Buffy was right? What if he was really dead?   
"No, he's fine!", Dawn whispered to herself, opened the door and entered the crypt.  
"Spike?" It was hard to hear her voice at all. 'He didn't hear it. I wasn't loud enough', she tried to calm herself. A deep breath and then she tried again. "Spike?"  
Nothing.  
Dawn waited, she didn't dare to move or even to breath.  
Still nothing - only silence.  
Suddenly she realized that it was true.   
He wouldn't answer, never.  
The coffin wouldn't open. He wouldn't sit up and look at her as if he was disturbed. No deep voice which would ask her what she wanted.  
Never again.  
And with this thought she fell to her knees, crying out in despair.   
Maybe she was naive, childish, but still there was a little hope that the coffin would fly open and that he would come out, asking her what was wrong, trying to hide his concern.  
Of course it didn't happen.  
For what seemed like an eternety she cryed silently.  
  
**********  
  
Buffy followed her sister but she wasn't as fast as she could have been. She knew exactly where Dawn would go.  
And for some reason she didn't want to follow her there.  
Of course she knew that she would need her now, but on the other hand she felt as if she wasn't able to go where her sister already was. To face the place where he had lived, where she had visited him so often to get informations from him, seemed almost impossible.   
She couldn't go there.  
To his crypt.  
Spike's crypt.  
But she knew that she had to do it.  
For Dawn.  
Without really knowing it she entered the cemetery and walked automaticly towards the building Spike had been living in for the last few years of his life.  
The sight of it brought back so many memories.  
From inside she heared her sister wheeping silently and it broke her heart to hear this sound.   
Silently she entered the crypt and immediatly saw her sister.   
The girl was sitting on the ground, next to Spike's coffin, and cried her eyes out.   
The coffin Spike had slept in.  
'No!', she scolded herself. 'You have to take care of Dawn now!'  
Slowly Buffy approached her and sat down next to her, gently touching one of the shaking shoulders. "Dawn?"  
She didn't get an answer but after a few seconds her sister wrapped her arms around her and continued wheeping on her shoulder.  
  
**********  
  
Afer a few moments Dawn was finally able to speak. She had to ask the question which tortured her the most, she needed an answer, even if she wouldn't like it.  
"Buffy?", she whispered.  
"Yes?"  
"Xander once told me that vampires who die go to hell. Do you think that Spike...?" She couldn't finish the sentence. The thought of Spike suffering in hell forever was too much for her.  
First there was no answer, but then she heared her older sister's sad voice, trying to calm her despite of her own pain. "I don't think so, Dawnie."  
She knew Buffy well enought to know something which broke her heart: She was lying.  
  
**********  
  
After nearly an hour Dawn was finally able to stop crying and looked up at Buffy. "Did you bury him? You didn't just leave him where he was, did you?"  
"No, of course not." She stood up and pulled Dawn with her. "His ashes were buried in the woods. He even has a headstone, Xander has made it."  
"Can we go there? I want to see it." Dawn swallowed hard, still not believing what had happened during the few days she had been away.  
She needed to say goodbye to him. Suddenly she realized that she hadn't even been here to see him the day before she had gone to visit her father. She had been at the crypt two days before, then she had told him to visit him again as soon as she was home. Of course she had never considered that it would be too late then. If she had only known, she would have spent the entire day with him instead of being together with Judy, one of her friends.  
After a moment of hesitation Buffy finally answered her question. "Ok, let's go."  
With a final look at the crypt they left the cemetery and walked home.  
Now it was already dark outside and Dawn knew that her sister was looking, maybe a vampire or something would attack. But nothing happened.  
When they were they Buffy called Xander and asked where the grave precisely was. She hadn't had the courage to go there yet and it still felt strange. She didn't want to accept the fact that it was truly over.  
"Buffy, I can drive you. It's hard to find if you don't know where it is", Xander said gently.  
"Ok, thank you."  
""That's alright. I'll pick you up in ten minutes."  
  
**********  
  
None of them spoke a word while they were driving towards the woods.  
"Xander, please stop at the gas station!", Dawn suddenly said.  
"Why?"  
"Just do it!"  
He did as she asked him and Dawn jumped out of the car and ran into the shop. After a few moments she came back with a few red roses.  
She looked sad when she sat down on the back seat again. "They didn't have better flowers. These are nearly faded already", she whispered.  
"Dawnie, that's not your fault. I can drive you to the grave whenever you want and then you can bring him other flowers", Xander said. "And I'm sure he doesn't care what the flowers you bring him look like. It's more important that you remember him."  
"I always thought you hated him", Dawn wondered.  
For a moment the young man hesitated. "I've done him wrong", he simply admitted.  
"Most of us have", Buffy added.  
There was nothing left to say.  
  
**********  
  
Finally Xander stopped the car and they all got out.  
"Where is it?", Buffy asked and looked around.  
"We have to walk a little, it's not far, though."  
The two girls nodded and followed their friend quietly.   
It really wasn't far, but it was pretty sure that noboy would find it. As Willow had said it was beautiful there, even now that it was pretty late already.  
The headstone was very well done and after a moment of hesitation Dawn walkd forward and laid her roses next to the flowers Willow and Tara had planted.  
Buffy and Xander remained where they were for they felt that she needed some time alone.  
  
**********  
  
Slowly Dawn approached the grave and placed her flowers on the grave. She felt tears coming to her eyes again when she read the letters on the stone:  
  
Spike (William)  
May your sins be forgiven   
We will never forget you  
RIP  
  
She just stared at the words for a few moments and then she spoke in a quiet voice. "Hi Spike. I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner but I just returned a few hours ago. I know you understand", she paused, thinking of what else to say. "When Buffy told me that you ... that you weren't there anymore I couldn't believe it. I already miss you, Spike." She sobbed quietly before she was able to continue. "I thought you would always be there to watch over me", she laughed quietly, sadly. "I know I'm so naive sometimes. Everyone told me that I shouldn't trust you too much, that you would kill me if it wasn't for the chip. But I always knew that this wasn't true. I always knew that you cared about me." A small smile was suddenly on her lips. "I know you would never have admited it, though." She hesitated, unsure of what to say next. "I love you, Spike. You were like a brother to me and I hope that you're happy, wherever you are now. I'll come back soon. Bye."  
  
********  
  
Buffy and Xander were silent all the time, listening to her words, and even Xander had tears in his eyes.  
Finally Dawn stood up and walked towards them.   
"Ready to go home?", Xander asked in a tight voice.  
She only nodded.  
The two of them walked towards the car, only Buffy remained still for a moment and looked at the grave.  
Then she also turned to go.  
  
TBC  
  
Please review and I will soon publish the last chapter! 


	4. I'm sorry

A/N: Here's the last chapter! I have already started to write the sequel. The title is: "Spark of Life". I hope you will read and review it as well. The first chapter will be up tomorrow or on Friday.  
  
Chapter 4 - I'm sorry  
  
Buffy was tossing and turning in her bed, it was impssible for her to fall asleep.  
Being at his grave had been an experience which was hard to bear. He was gone, really gone for good, now there was no way to deny it anymore. Now she would never be able to tell him everything she so needed to tell him.  
But suddenly she remembered what Dawn had done only a few hours ago. She had talked to him as if he had been able to hear it.  
Maybe he even had.  
She tried really hard to remember the time when she had been dead, but all she still knew was that she had been happy. Everything had been so peaceful and she had been loved.  
Yes, it must have been heaven.   
And Spike, as the vampire he had been, had to be in hell. At least that was what she had always believed.  
New tears found their way down her cheeks. He had saved her life and now he suffered for it.  
Just because of her.  
Finally Buffy gave up sleeping, got out of bed and put on her clothes.   
Silently she opened Dawn's bedroom door to make sure that her sister was still asleep. The girl had cried for nearly two hours before she finally had been able to sleep and Xander had carried her up to her bedroom.  
After making sure that Dawn was alright Buffy left the house.  
She had to visit Spike's grave once more.  
  
**********  
  
She easily found her way through the trees, slowly approaching the place she now visited for the second time.  
Now it was completely dark, only the stars were shining as bright as if nothing bad had ever happened. But they couldn't help her to forget, not now.  
When she stood before the tombstone she hesitated for a moment.   
Even when her mother had died Buffy hadn't gone to the grave to talk to her. Of course she had been there to bring her some flowers or to remember her, but she had never talked to her after she had died.   
But now she felt that it was something she had to do. There was no other way to find some peace.  
"Hi", she whispered. "I wish I knew wether you can hear me. You probably don't want to listen to me after all I have done to you. There's so much I could... should have done differently, I know it wasn't fair how I treated you. Now I understand that you really loved me but I just couldn't believe it then." It had never been so hard for her to say a few words, but she continued anyway. "I thought that you couldn't feel without having a soul, I thought you only wanted to have sex with me." A bitter laugh escaped her lips. "Look who's talking. I shouldn't have slept with you without love, Spike, it must have hurt you terribly. I should have acted entirely different towards you. But that's just like me, I always realize things when it is too late to do anything about it. I actually liked you, Spike. I didn't love you like Angel, but I cared about you. Still do. And now I wish I had told you. Maybe I didn't want to admit it to myself." She looked up to the sky, billions of stars were shining there as if to comfort her, but she couldn't stop crying. She had held it back but now, that she had started, it was impossible for her to do anything about it. "Dawn said she hopes that you are happy where you are now. I also do, really. I so hope that you are where I was and that we will meet there again when my time is over. But to be honest I can't believe it." Slowly she sat down on the soft grass and gently touched the letters on the headstone. 'May your sins be forgiven'. "Though you have changed so much you were still a vampire and vampires don't go to heaven, do they? I hope they will make an exception for you. I'll pray for it every night, I promise." Suddenly she stood up as if she was in a hurry. "I have to go now. It was probably wrong to leave Dawn alone tonight, she misses you so much. By the way, we all do, even Xander and Giles. I just came here because... because I wanted you to know that... I'm sorry."  
With that she turned to leave.  
The wind was playing with her hair and blew away the tears she had shed.   
Of course she still didn't know wether he had heared her or not, but she finally felt a little better.  
  
The End  
  
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